It's amazing how very insidious depression can be. I'm surprised that I can still be surprised by that. I've fought it at varying times and varying degrees, but it never really goes away completely. Starting out with a vague, restless frustration. Trying fruitlessly to find something to soothe, even temporarily, the itch of discontent and irritation. Anger. For me food has been the longest running salve. I revel in good food, take a fully sensuous, Hedonistic thrill in it. I relate to the term "foodgsasm" and my lovers have known a joyful fear if I should find myself ambulatory after a grand meal. Food is my drug of choice; I name it my poison.
Usually this means that I can be easily amused and that I can always find some small pleasure in the day and serves no real problem other than I'll never fit into my high school clothes again. Big whoop. Then there's the days when it's just one fix after another. "Man, I reeeealy want some chocolate." "oooooooh, I could make a cake!". Sugar binge leads to sugar high leads to sugar crash leads to sugar binge... Well, you get the picture. After a while it no longer even feels good while I'm eating because I know that I'm stuck in the cycle, but I'm "mired in the marrow of my (well... ain't that) funny bone" [bonus points to whomever gets that reference], and inertia is truly a bitch.
So sometimes I feel like just wallowing deeper in and just giving in. Just eating as many donuts and cakes and servings of food as I wish and allowing myself to just be fat and frumpy and hide behind the food. But it just feels worse to do so, never better, and I don't want Boo seeing that death spiral. I know I'm going to pass on the lesson of comfort foods, I just hope I can manage to emulate some moderation
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Thought of the day - suffering and joy
No one or thing is intrinsically bad, it's all in what you make of it. I heard someone questioning if one must have suffering in order to have joy, and two things came to my mind.
1. While I don't believe we *need* suffering in order to have joy, the lack of good - or presence of "bad"- can help us appreciate the good when we have it. Like how one doesn't *need* darkness in order to have light, but I sure can appreciate a noon sun after a midnight dark (and vice versa).
2. While certain events may be painful, often if we can find lessons in the event it can be much easier to bear. While losing someone or thing may hurt, it can help you gain empathy for others who have suffered similar losses.
Which brings me back to my first statement. Nothing is intrinsically bad, really, so long as you find growth.
1. While I don't believe we *need* suffering in order to have joy, the lack of good - or presence of "bad"- can help us appreciate the good when we have it. Like how one doesn't *need* darkness in order to have light, but I sure can appreciate a noon sun after a midnight dark (and vice versa).
2. While certain events may be painful, often if we can find lessons in the event it can be much easier to bear. While losing someone or thing may hurt, it can help you gain empathy for others who have suffered similar losses.
Which brings me back to my first statement. Nothing is intrinsically bad, really, so long as you find growth.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year, Everyone!
Well, been a while, huh?
All in all, it was a great year. We may have ended the year with colds, but we're all healthy besides. The Rem and Siberia turned 10 last week, while Bella hit 14 earlier in the year. Spent lots of time with family and friends, and are thankful for all the wonderful things we have.
So, what could possibly make next year better? Well, not having to move would be the best possible thing we could ask for, so let's hope for that, yeah? But, since that's outside of our control, let's focus on the things we can.
1. Get in shape. I know I personally would love to see myself at an in-shape 150 instead of a squishy 160, and I'm sure Geoff has a few numbers he'd like to see shift too. Plus, we really need to set better exercise habits for Boo to internalize as he gets older in hopes that he doesn't become as truly sedentary as his parents.
2. Really try to follow the FlyLady plan. We've made SO much progress in the past year just doing halfway that I'm quite curious to see what would happen if we actually embraced it enthusiastically.
3. Continue trying to become a better person/wife/mother. The past couple of months at the Buddhist center has already helped so much. I think I may really give it a chance and really try to figure out what it's all about.
4. Make time for creativity. I feel so much more happy and *myself* when I'm working on an artistic endeavour. Surely I can carve out a few minutes a day/few hours a week to work on something, right?
5. Last, but not least, give Boo more focused attention. He's gotten so good at independent play that sometimes we get busy doing something else and leave him to his own devices. And what that's good at some times, he really does want/need us to be closer to him even when he's playing by himself sometimes. And I suppose I should also include the girls in that one too, since they desperately deserve more of our time than we've been giving them since Boo was born.
These should not be lofty goals. We should be able to achieve them, even if not all of them all the time. We will do this. :D
All in all, it was a great year. We may have ended the year with colds, but we're all healthy besides. The Rem and Siberia turned 10 last week, while Bella hit 14 earlier in the year. Spent lots of time with family and friends, and are thankful for all the wonderful things we have.
So, what could possibly make next year better? Well, not having to move would be the best possible thing we could ask for, so let's hope for that, yeah? But, since that's outside of our control, let's focus on the things we can.
1. Get in shape. I know I personally would love to see myself at an in-shape 150 instead of a squishy 160, and I'm sure Geoff has a few numbers he'd like to see shift too. Plus, we really need to set better exercise habits for Boo to internalize as he gets older in hopes that he doesn't become as truly sedentary as his parents.
2. Really try to follow the FlyLady plan. We've made SO much progress in the past year just doing halfway that I'm quite curious to see what would happen if we actually embraced it enthusiastically.
3. Continue trying to become a better person/wife/mother. The past couple of months at the Buddhist center has already helped so much. I think I may really give it a chance and really try to figure out what it's all about.
4. Make time for creativity. I feel so much more happy and *myself* when I'm working on an artistic endeavour. Surely I can carve out a few minutes a day/few hours a week to work on something, right?
5. Last, but not least, give Boo more focused attention. He's gotten so good at independent play that sometimes we get busy doing something else and leave him to his own devices. And what that's good at some times, he really does want/need us to be closer to him even when he's playing by himself sometimes. And I suppose I should also include the girls in that one too, since they desperately deserve more of our time than we've been giving them since Boo was born.
These should not be lofty goals. We should be able to achieve them, even if not all of them all the time. We will do this. :D
Sunday, August 28, 2011
shoulda, oughta, can't, won't, might....
eFF em all. The past few days have really set me to thinking about the futility and harm that we do to ourselves with all the coulda-shoulda-woulda-oughta-mighta-someday's. I've been feeling (in turns) fine, sh*tty, sad, bitter, guilty, mad, etc... And every time I've felt any of those things it's always seemed as though I should have been it more/less/differently. So fuck it. I will be what I am, when I am. I will do the best I can, when I can, and I will try not to ask more of myself than that.
So, with that in mind, I think these are my guideline will's and will not's:
I will play with my son when I have the energy and inspiration, and I will watch him play independently when not. I will not beat myself up on the days that we spend too much time watching tv snuggled on the couch instead of doing something more 'enriching' - so long as I am giving him attention instead of spending the whole time with my face stuck in a computer I am still giving him something important.
I will keep busy and not dwell on the things that haven't gone the way I wish they would have. I will not wallow and let myself go into a depressive funk spiral.
I will try to be grateful for all the things that I have and appreciate them. I will not wish my life away thinking of the things I want to do.
I will clear all the excess clutter from my mind, house, and life, so that we have more space and time to do the things that fill us with joy. I will try to not let new things into our life that do not bring us happiness.
I will make the effort to do the things that I need to do, when I need to do them, so that I have more time to do the things that I want to do. But, I will not beat myself up for the times that I reverse that order. :D
So, with that in mind, I think these are my guideline will's and will not's:
I will play with my son when I have the energy and inspiration, and I will watch him play independently when not. I will not beat myself up on the days that we spend too much time watching tv snuggled on the couch instead of doing something more 'enriching' - so long as I am giving him attention instead of spending the whole time with my face stuck in a computer I am still giving him something important.
I will keep busy and not dwell on the things that haven't gone the way I wish they would have. I will not wallow and let myself go into a depressive funk spiral.
I will try to be grateful for all the things that I have and appreciate them. I will not wish my life away thinking of the things I want to do.
I will clear all the excess clutter from my mind, house, and life, so that we have more space and time to do the things that fill us with joy. I will try to not let new things into our life that do not bring us happiness.
I will make the effort to do the things that I need to do, when I need to do them, so that I have more time to do the things that I want to do. But, I will not beat myself up for the times that I reverse that order. :D
Friday, August 26, 2011
Today is sad news.
We were 5 weeks pregnant on Tuesday. Yesterday we started spotting and lost the baby. It's not as hard as I thought it would be so far, but it's still a very emotional process. I know, logically, that everything will be okay, but my heart is still sad. I am eternally thankful for Boo and Geoff, and even if they are as large as this family ever gets I am blessed. At least, if it was going to happen, sooner is infitinely better than later....
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The difference (hopefully) between what we think and what we say
My Dear Son became hysterical today. Inconsolably hysterical. He started out reasonably asking to watch a show and I tried to accommodate him.
B: "Want watch Megamind."
M: "Okay." Can do.
B:"No! Want watch Backyardigans!"
M: "Ooookay." We can still do that.
B:"Ooooo. Spiderman!!!"
M: "How about we watch Backyardigans?"
B: "okay"
M: yay! "Which one do you want to watch? Cops and Robots?"
B: "NO"
M: "Boinga?"
B: "NO. New one!"
M: "Clowns?"
B: "NOOOOOOO!"
M: mental *headdesk* "Then what do you want to watch?"
B: "Cops"
M: "Okay"
B: "NO! Boinga!"
M: "Ooookay. We'll watch the Boinga one."
B: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
M: *grumble*grumble*grumble*MAKEUPYOURDAMNMIND!!!!!!
(This repeats for several iterations with different show names subbed at times)
M: "Okay. Let's change your diaper and go for a drive!"
B: "NOOOOOOOOOO!" )but he goes upstairs eventually anyhow)
B: "Want watch show!"
M: "Yes dear, I know you want to watch your show, but I think you need to take a rest. Shall we go for a drive or snuggle in bed?"
B: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
M:mental facepalm, deep breath. another deep breath. "Okay, let's go for a drive."
B: "NOOOOOOOO!!!" (seeing a pattern yet?) "Want watch show!!!!" (by this time he's long since into snot running down his face and blowing bubbles when he talks)
M: "I know you want to watch a show, and I know you're upset because I won't let you, but we're tired and we need to take a rest. I know you're mad, and sad, but we have to take a rest before we can watch the show" *OHMYGODJUSTSHUTUPANDCALMDOWN!*
B: *slightly calmer* "Okay. :( Go drive"
M: "Okay, we'll go for a drive"
B: "NOoooooo, go bed!!!!!"
M: "okay" *carries him upstairs and takes him to his room*
B: "NOOOOOOoooo! go drive!!!"
M: "okay" *carries him downstairs*
B: "NOoooooo, go bed!!!!!"
M: "okay" *carries him upstairs and takes him to his room*
B: "NOOOOOOoooo! go drive!!!"
M: "Okay. We're going for a drive. I"m not carrying you up and down the stairs any more."
B: (continues to scream and holler the entire time I'm putting him in the car. Of course the car seat only gives me trouble when he's throwing fits. He's so LOUD I think the neighbors are going to call CPS on me)
M: *Good god child, just shut up and go to sleep. You are hysterically tired, just fugging GO. TO. SLEEP!!!!!!!! SHUTTHEF**KUPANDGOTOF**KINGSLEEP!!!!!* deep breaths.... I'm very proud of myself for not actually saying any of the bad stuff and actually keeping a cool exterior. I think it may have helped that I actually got 3 solid hours of continuous sleep last night. :D
B: "Want watch Megamind."
M: "Okay." Can do.
B:"No! Want watch Backyardigans!"
M: "Ooookay." We can still do that.
B:"Ooooo. Spiderman!!!"
M: "How about we watch Backyardigans?"
B: "okay"
M: yay! "Which one do you want to watch? Cops and Robots?"
B: "NO"
M: "Boinga?"
B: "NO. New one!"
M: "Clowns?"
B: "NOOOOOOO!"
M: mental *headdesk* "Then what do you want to watch?"
B: "Cops"
M: "Okay"
B: "NO! Boinga!"
M: "Ooookay. We'll watch the Boinga one."
B: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
M: *grumble*grumble*grumble*MAKEUPYOURDAMNMIND!!!!!!
(This repeats for several iterations with different show names subbed at times)
M: "Okay. Let's change your diaper and go for a drive!"
B: "NOOOOOOOOOO!" )but he goes upstairs eventually anyhow)
B: "Want watch show!"
M: "Yes dear, I know you want to watch your show, but I think you need to take a rest. Shall we go for a drive or snuggle in bed?"
B: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
M:mental facepalm, deep breath. another deep breath. "Okay, let's go for a drive."
B: "NOOOOOOOO!!!" (seeing a pattern yet?) "Want watch show!!!!" (by this time he's long since into snot running down his face and blowing bubbles when he talks)
M: "I know you want to watch a show, and I know you're upset because I won't let you, but we're tired and we need to take a rest. I know you're mad, and sad, but we have to take a rest before we can watch the show" *OHMYGODJUSTSHUTUPANDCALMDOWN!*
B: *slightly calmer* "Okay. :( Go drive"
M: "Okay, we'll go for a drive"
B: "NOoooooo, go bed!!!!!"
M: "okay" *carries him upstairs and takes him to his room*
B: "NOOOOOOoooo! go drive!!!"
M: "okay" *carries him downstairs*
B: "NOoooooo, go bed!!!!!"
M: "okay" *carries him upstairs and takes him to his room*
B: "NOOOOOOoooo! go drive!!!"
M: "Okay. We're going for a drive. I"m not carrying you up and down the stairs any more."
B: (continues to scream and holler the entire time I'm putting him in the car. Of course the car seat only gives me trouble when he's throwing fits. He's so LOUD I think the neighbors are going to call CPS on me)
M: *Good god child, just shut up and go to sleep. You are hysterically tired, just fugging GO. TO. SLEEP!!!!!!!! SHUTTHEF**KUPANDGOTOF**KINGSLEEP!!!!!* deep breaths.... I'm very proud of myself for not actually saying any of the bad stuff and actually keeping a cool exterior. I think it may have helped that I actually got 3 solid hours of continuous sleep last night. :D
Saturday, July 30, 2011
chocolate chip oatmeal cookies
2Tb soft butter, 6 Tb unrefined coconut oil (if it doesn't smell like coconut don't bother. I used Nutiva brand)
1/2 c white grape juice concentrate
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 c whole wheat flour
1 c oats
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp fresh ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt (I used kosher)
1/2 c chocolate chips (I used Ghiradelli)
Preheat oven to 350. Mix fats, juice, egg and vanilla. In separate bowl mix dry ingredients, excluding choc chips. Combine wet and dry ingredients, adding choc chips last. Drop about a tablespoon of the mix onto a cookie sheet and bake for about 10 minutes, or until set. They won't brown like regular cookies, but you can press lightly on the top of one to check if it's set. Makes about 2 dozen cookies.
1/2 c white grape juice concentrate
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1 c whole wheat flour
1 c oats
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 tsp cinnamon
1/8 tsp fresh ground nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt (I used kosher)
1/2 c chocolate chips (I used Ghiradelli)
Preheat oven to 350. Mix fats, juice, egg and vanilla. In separate bowl mix dry ingredients, excluding choc chips. Combine wet and dry ingredients, adding choc chips last. Drop about a tablespoon of the mix onto a cookie sheet and bake for about 10 minutes, or until set. They won't brown like regular cookies, but you can press lightly on the top of one to check if it's set. Makes about 2 dozen cookies.
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